LetterFrom Yard - Humor

Dear Family Overseas,

As you know Jamaica just experienced the ravages of
hurricane Dean. Many homes were destroyed.
Although from the window of my New Kingston
apartment the damage appeared to be minimal, I later
saw pictures of the devastation in the Daily Observer. It
reminded me to thank God for his mercy on my family,
friends and myself.

I have said all of that to remind you that a remittance is in
order. Western Union, Jamaica National and the banks are
back in business. In addition to the money I want I have
prepared my little shopping list for the barrel(s) unno
need to send me.

HURRICANE RELIEF SUPPLY

-One flat screen tv – no less than 32”
-One portable DVD player – without the electricity boredom
would a kill me
-DVDs of course!
-One MP3 player with FM stereo pon it – the ipod wah unno
send ongly play music me couldn’t get fi hear who and who
dead, wah kill dem, weh dem a loot and if me mi did haffi go
back a wuck inna the week.
-One Sony digital camera no less than 8 megapixels – cause
right now me coulda enter the Gleaner competition fi de bess
hurricane pickcha
-One SONY digital video recorder – cause me sure TVJ and
CVM woulda pay fi me footage of ol’ Ms Maud cross de road
a run dung the road wid two sheet a zinc weh blow offa Barry
roof. Fi a 92 year old she tief bad!
-One a de regular ol time plug een phone dem cause if me
did have one me an di liad gyal June coulda labba labba through
it all cause Cable and Wireless never bruck dung! The portable
ting nah cut it if me a prepare fi hurricane.
-Mi hear sey dem have flashlight weh you shake up and it light
up – send few a dem come – a me one live but you know how
it go – mi might can sell dem –fi do me hair.
-By the way one battery operated flat iron set cause a couldn’t
get fe curl me weave – good thing me have nuff wig – yu shoulda
see me when me step out Monday mawning after Dean – still hot!
By de way, tell de ol’ worthless Barrington sey the converter sinting
weh him sen last time never wuck. Yu should a see me like eediat
inna me car a try hot lickle water inna mi ‘lectric kekkle – so send
one good one a dat.
As a matter a fac’ mi want the lickle plug in sinting wey yu can drop
inn de tea cup and hot the water
Mi want rechargeable batteries – AA, AAA and D
Mi want battery charger fi de battery dem.
Mi need a wireless internet card because me coulda deh pon MSN pon
mi laptop
Mi need couple Swifer mops because me hand did a get tired fi squeeze
out dem yah when the water blow under me door.
Mi need some a the really big and stylish scented candles – check
Pier 1 Imports them always have.

JUST IN CASE ME HAVE TO GO A SHELTER:

One Baby Phat overalls – in case the roof goes – cause yu done
know mi haffi look good
One Prada bag – big enough fi hole me dry goods wey mi a carry
go shelter
Check if Jimmy Choo mek wata boots too!

Mi Love unno hear! Mi know sey unno understand mi needs cause
unno go true Katrina – mi nuh know how unno dweet! But mi know
unno understand wah me go through without these relief supplies.
Sarry sey me never ask from when if unno get house wet? But
everything muss criss fi unno – a farin unno live. Tings nuh haard
like out yah so me not even haffi ask.

Precious!

PS. Since me been home fi the few days me realize sey me can’t tek the
coarse sheet set them. Go up a Macy’s ask them fi dem “Hotel
Collection” bed linen – pick up few a de Egyptian Cotton one
dem fi me. Arright?